THE FLOCKER: One fateful day in 1973, The Flyer released the first issue of their newspaper, eventually putting to rest Salisbury State’s former paper, The Informer. For over fifty years, the news source had a media monopoly in the Salisbury University community, an era which seems to have come to a tumultuous conclusion. 

SU has entered a period of media-warfare, made clear by the emergence of three additional student news sources which have sprung up in the past few months: The Squaker, The Bury Post and The Salisbury Examiner. Now, tensions have reached an all time high.

 

“These other newspapers are absolute frauds, total rip-offs and nothing that we’re really worrying over,” said The Flyer Editor in Chief (EIC), as he prepared to throw a molotov cocktail into The Squaker headquarters. “They’re gonna squawk over this,” he mumbled to himself. 

“Hold on, what source are you with?” he asked, looking at my press pass. I made a quick departure from the room.

The newest of the bunch, The Salisbury Examiner, released an article about parking difficulties on campus last Wednesday, officially adding itself to the ongoing war. 

“I didn’t know things were so ******* brutal on this campus,” exclaimed The Examiner EIC. “All I wanted to do was cover an issue I found important, but I’ve already been doxed, old cancel-worthy videos of me from middle school have resurfaced, and my bank account has been hacked.”

Available evidence, our sources and a ballsy first-hand admission point to The Bury Post EIC as being the culprit behind the attacks. Since the incident, The Examiner has taken a hiatus from publishing pieces. 

“War is war, it’s simply fair game” said The Bury Post EIC. “If these people think they can just sprout up and write pieces by themselves without me editing it, they have another thing coming.”

“By the way, I’d like to reiterate how important it is that we foster independent student journalism and freedom of press on campus, it’s very substantial.”

On Sept. 2 at approximately 11:41 P.M., the Editors in Chief of The Flyer and The Bury Post crossed paths. One was walking to a liquor store to pick up a bottle of scotch and the other was recovering from a late night acid trip– the accounts do not clarify who was who.

When the two saw each other, they immediately began insulting one another, trading names along the lines of “loser”, “scum-bag”, “traitor”, “piece of ****”, “******* moron”, “mother ******”, “**** *** *****”, “********* of ***** *********”, and so on. The hostilities escalated, becoming physical as they took swings at one another and began wrestling on the ground.

After approximately two minutes of physical altercation, members of The Squaker staff ran in unison to the scene, taking notes for a potential satire piece about the incident. The Flyer EIC then got up off the ground and confronted the reporters for ‘stealing’ his story. 

The Examiner staff, still recovering from the aforementioned attacks, did not make a presence at the scene and did not respond to a request for comment. 

In the seconds since the incident, The Bury Post EIC has pulled me out of bed and forced me to write this piece as fast as possible in order to be ‘breaking’ on the event. He is currently hovering over me and shouting, ‘type faster, type faster!’ so as not to be beaten by any of the other news sources involved.

“I really think consistency and covering stories as soon as they occur is quite important,” The Bury Post EIC said. “It’s something that I think our competitors do not understand, which is why we’re winning!” 

I hope this is good enough for you. Please let me go back to bed, dear Editor. I love you, I promise.

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By STAFF HOSTAGE

Featured graphic courtesy of The Bury Post