On the night of Sept. 10th, 2024, presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris engaged in their first debate before the upcoming election. Though many people totally expected a calm, civilized discussion of opposing ideas, students are now shocked to see politicians bicker endlessly and whine like idiots.

“I was really disappointed to see them go on nonstop rants filled with lies,” one student said before using a straw to snort a line of what appeared to be a white, powdery substance of sorts. “I had always thought that politicians were honest, that they actually cared: But ever since I’ve listened to based commentators like Alex Jones, I’ve been able to see through all the lies.”

“I used to trust our government,” said another. “But after that debate I’ve realized I’ve been living a lie.”

“I mean come on, do you really think the pyramids were built without the help of aliens?”

SU’s beloved local drug dealer, Leeam McDiddy, shared similar views. 

“I had hoped I would be able to relax and try to understand their viewpoints,” McDiddy said. “But halfway through I was fed up, and needed to switch to something more mature and mentally stimulating, so I decided to watch some Talk Tuah.”

However, pet insurers have reportedly benefited heavily in the aftermath of the debate. 

“No clue why these morons believe it, but my profits are through the roof!” one said.

Although the Salisbury population found the debate underwhelming, a different population has seen increased political engagement, activism, and even panic.

“In Springfield, they are eating the dogs,” echoed the voice of America’s Republican nominee. “The people that came in…they are eating the pets of the people that live there.”

These were the words of former president Donald J Trump, a man who is notorious for his truthfulness and ability to deliver facts to the American people. After exposing the grim reality of Ohio once more, some have had enough.

“I got four pups,” said one mother in the dog community, slurping a pint of Flying Dog beer out of a bowl at a local bar. “I cant have them living in a country where they may get eaten.”

“I thought life as a labrador would be easy, just playing fetch and going on walks with my owner, but now the crooks in Washington have dragged us into their mess.”

The dogs of SU students are speaking up and preparing for the next four years, which may be the most impactful ever for the species that calls itself “man’s best friend”. But it comes with a challenge: dogs cannot vote, leading to rising controversy over whether our furry friends should gain suffrage.

“This country has had big movements before: The women’s suffrage movement, the civil rights movements of the 50s and 60s. I believe this is the third great movement in our nation’s history to ensure equal justice for all, regardless of species.” 

This comment comes from Hershey the Schipperke, a canine rights activist who resides in the D.C. area. 

“It’s been too long that the pets of America have had no voice in our democracy,” she said. “If we wish to end the pet eating madness here and abroad, we must be able to put pressure on the swamp.”

“Now I’m not so sure about the other policies from this Donald Trump guy, and I’m rather skeptical about the coconut tree lady and that other dude with the brainworm,” the dog stated. “When I’m not raising awareness for pets rights I usually spend my time napping, so for the few months left before a new president is inaugurated I’m asking Sleepy Joe: make pets great again!”

A border collie disagreed with what the Schipperke had to say. 

“Asking crooked Joe Biden to ‘make pets great again’? That’s kind of ridiculous.” The dog, named Sky, expressed support for Trump. 

“I was shot through the ear a few days ago from someone trying to eat me, just like our future president,” she woofed. “Other places are emptying their dog pounds into Salisbury, if we want to end violence on these streets we need a strong leader like him, and our economy will grow bigly.” 

Sky’s brother Bolt, on the other hand, feels doubtful about the Republican nominee. 

“My sister is crazy, ever since that orange man was talking about dogs getting eaten she’s been convinced that people are after her one blue eye,” he said “Orange guy never talks about anything other than the guy who likes ice cream in that White House now, people keep leaving his rallies and he won’t even do a second debate after pretending he won when he didn’t.”

“Kamala is going to be so much better for us.”

We tried to ask cats for their opinion, but to no avail.

“Dude, have you ever seen a cat care about anything, we don’t,” one said.  “My owner is literally a childless cat lady, so I think I’m safe from being eaten.”

He refused to make any further comments, but surely the dogs of Salisbury will still play a big role in America’s decision this November.

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By LUCAS BRUNO

Staffer

Featured image courtesy of Andrea Runk