By Lucas Bruno
(Satire)
On the 20th day of the year, Trump did his best Grover Cleveland impression and was inaugurated as president for a nonconsecutive second term. Since then, we have seen a lot of Trump’s true intentions while in power. Some promises kept, some not, and some wildcards we didn’t expect: Bistro is now open 24/7 and Red Square is being renamed to “Eat it liberals, I won” in two new executive orders.
With the bland Biden out and showman Trump back in, millions of Americans with different beliefs and backgrounds are either overly excited about the names of mountains and bodies of water, or currently experiencing a prolonged panic attack, day in, day out. I’ve gotten different politicians, including the president himself, to let me ask them only the most important questions. Let’s just hope they provide an actual answer.
Hired Assassin
On Inauguration Day 2025, we were introduced to a villainous new look for Melania Trump. Although this information isn’t available to the public, I managed to bribe the CIA for information, confirming my suspicions: Melania Trump is America’s one and only officially designated assassin. Trump’s decision to put her in this crucial role could indicate his feminist and immigrant-friendly dispositions.
“Well, it’s not like I’m hiding it anymore,” said the First Lady. “I grew up in socialist Slovenia, and the truth is I killed many during the cold war… this is nothing new to me, boy.”
Foreign Expansion
One of the biggest things Trump plans to do is expand American power through territorial gains. Maybe he wants to be like a fancy 19th century imperialist leader with shiny medals? I simply had to ask him myself.
“You see, golf is my favorite sport, I can’t be going to the golf of Mexico, America needs to have the best golf, I always do my golf fairly, unlike Biden.”
As for the expansion northward, “Well when I look at a map, Canada and Greenland just look so big, all it is is just with the addition of them our total land area would rise bigly, and I like that idea bigly.”
But how will we be able to obtain this territory? Trump explains, “Well, I have concepts of a plan, it’ll be the best plan. Of course, Biden, he couldn’t do it. Now that we’re out of the Paris Climate Agreement we can invade whoever we want, and no need to do it with ‘clean electric tanks’ when we’re blowing everything up to get more oil drilling land.”
“People are saying Trump and I are fascists, but they also say Teslas suck?” Elon Musk, leader of the new DOGE organization, quipped in. “Audi, VW, Porsche, how did these brands start making awesome cars? I think you know, and of course my heart goes out to you,” he said, before extending his arm in a manner that has previously caused controversy.
“Trump and I have been discussing, uhm, a plethora of ideas for potential invasion, and I personally think the idea of using cyber trucks to annex Toronto is a great idea. It would be like ‘lightning war’ because they are so fast.”
“It would also be, like, a total meme. Have I showed you my dark Maga hat? It’s really cool.”
Trump explained a bit more, “We love freedom, bigly really. America will never be woke, and certainly never socialist. We need to make sure China and Russia aren’t bullying the world and messing with free trade, so it’s important that we protect these places who can’t defend themselves. By the way if you want to trade with us you gotta pay a whole lot of tariffs.”
He addresses international security, “If Russia were to, hypothetically, attack a peaceful country, I’ll end the chaos in 24 hours.”
On a separate note, I was able to ask Kamala Harris about what she plans to do in the future, she explained… something.
“I grew up in a middle class family, I worked at McDonalds,” she laughed. “Under Biden, we were doing amazing… things were affordable, the world was safe.”
When she finally got to the point, she said, “now it’s like I’ve fallen out of a coconut tree and been re-awoken into the modern day and what it is. What’s important now is to unburden ourselves from the burdeners who burden us, it’s time for us to do that and that time right now is every day.”
Deportations and DEI
Controversy doesn’t just arise from Trump’s interactions with other nations, of course. Some of the biggest decisions were ones regarding Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), which both the new Trump and the old Biden policies are garnering blame for. Including the hundreds of plane crashes going on, (like seriously how are there so many?)
There are, however, other areas that have received praise by some.
“Cooper Dejean scored a pick 6 off Pat Mahomo in the Super Bowl during Black History Month!” Said one Garrett Willybottoms. “He’s literally our Jackie Robinson at cornerback.”
“And it happens right when the NFL removes the ‘End Racism’ paint, it’s too good.” Willybottoms was of course referring to the NFL’s decision to remove the phrase “End Racism” from the stadium.
Trump was the first sitting president to attend the game and the NFL may have removed their messaging after DEI critic Andrea Lucas was appointed by Trump as Chair of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
“Trump appointed Andrea Lucas? I can’t go against anyone named Lucas, that’s my favorite human’s name!”
These words come from Hershey the Schipperke, a canine rights activist who previously contributed to The Bury Post after the presidential debate between Trump and Harris.
Although she was initially neutral, she soon felt afraid that immigrants would eat her, and sided with Trump. In recent times, however, she has been barking nothing but disapproval.
“Trump is such a big liar,” she ruffed, “All he does is blow dog whistles to his big red hat wearing supporters. He has them all on a leash.”
“People are saying that he’s pandering to Christian nationalism, let’s at least hope he hasn’t forgotten that all dogs go to heaven. The real glory should go to our dog breeders and trainers!”
Hershey explains her activism, “It started out small, I was just holding secret meetings at dog parks around Maryland to get dogs involved in politics… Since I’ve started to turn away from Donald, some of my closest members have left, but we just recruited two Australian Shepherds, everyone knows they’re cuter and better anyway.
The old dog continued to lambaste our government, “All of them are dog sh*t, but what do I know? Politics are boring, the only fun part is that anti-government heavy metal my human plays on guitar… There’s that one group, ‘Megurdeath’ I think, they have that song that’s two verses on why the government is too powerful and secretive, and then 8 guitar solos for the outro, it’s much better than Taylor Swift.”
As the second Trump term moves into its second month, there are many worldwide who are critical or happy with his performance. Regardless, we all have big questions: Will Elon Musk usurp the throne? Will MAHA outperform the WHO? Will planes stay in the sky?
Featured Image courtesy of The White House
Maryland Maverick News 
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