THE FLOCKER: On August 23rd, Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. shocked the world by suspending his campaign and endorsing Donald Trump. After weeks of consultation with his infamous brain worm and the ghosts of deceased cubs throughout the country, Kennedy made his momentous decision. How has our local Kennedy surrogate, who haunted the Salisbury University campus for several months, dealt with this tragic incident?

Near the end of the Fall 2023 semester, reports began circulating of an excessively tall individual around the SU campus holding clipboards who would approach students to ask for signatures. Many within the community assumed that these incidents would end when the semester ended– they were wrong. 

“Back in December I remember walking to cookout around midnight, I was totally cooked,” said Johnny Wallenson, a student majoring in Football Studies. “Out of nowhere this giant jumps out of nowhere, blocks my path and says, ‘Sorry to bother you. I’m working for the Kennedy campaign and need your signature, here you go.’”

“I got kinda shocked so I just signed it so he’d leave me alone; a few hours later he found me in my room and asked again, cause he forgot I’d already done it. I was harassed for a signature 58 times between then and May.”

We were able to track down the campaigner, known by some as the “RFK guy”, though his true identity remains a mystery. He agreed to an interview on the condition of remaining anonymous. 

“It’s terrible, awful,” he said, lying in a fetal position near a dumpster at Salisbury’s Royal Farms. “I’ve failed in my mission, my life’s purpose was to win the state for Kennedy and I’ve fallen short.”

“Every time I close my eyes I see Kennedy staring straight back at me, shaking his head sorrowfully.”

The once towering politician-in-the-making has seemingly fallen from his former status as a state coordinator, surrounded by empty cups of coffee and a Kennedy banner which he has been sleeping on. He is also working on using campaign signs and duct tape to build a mini home.

“We’re not going to use the signs for RFK anymore, so I might as well make use of them,” he said. “It saves on housing costs, the space should also help me reflect, like being on a retreat.”

Since the RFK guy embarked on this new path, he has since developed friendships with the surrounding community in the area outside of Royal Farms. He has adapted to the new lifestyle, and he’s quickly learned the mechanisms of a different kind of soliciting. We watched him pick up a cardboard sign, scurry over to a car stopped at a red light, knock on the window and say:

“Hello, sorry to bother you. I’m trying to gather some change to help feed my family. It’s a really hard time, could you spare a few dollars? I need to pay for a bus ticket.”

On the ninth car, an elderly woman rolled down the window and extended her arm, dropping a few spare coins in his large hand.

“Thank you, ma’am, God bless you,” he said.

---

By FLOCKING WRITER

Featured image courtesy of Yik Yak