Donny was totally mogging on Kamala the entire summer, are we really surprised?

By Lucas Bruno

(Satire)

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SATIRE: On the night of Tuesday, Nov. 5, history was made. Donald J. Trump was elected to be the next president of the USA, just the second ever to do so non-consecutively. This is just one more addition to the legendary businessman and politician’s trophy case. In addition to his electoral victory, he has been awarded with six bankruptcies, two divorces, won two impeachments and is a 34 time felony conviction champion; quite the hall of fame resume to give any God that may be waiting after death. 

“Brady, Jordan, Ali, none of them can compete! This guy is the first since FDR to win three straight elections in a row!” a fan of his exclaimed.

But what does the Trumpster plan to do in the future? Interviews with voters as well as inside information that took months of espionage and fighting tooth & nail to uncover (you really think I’d pay for New York Times?) will reveal his true thoughts and intentions. 

The Future of Health Policy

Trump’s late campaign push included two new free agent signings to his team: Elon Musk and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. But how will the “Make America Healthy Again” plan actually work?

Thanks to my rejection of newspaper subscription fees, I was able to do my own digging. Musk plans to create a special type of Falcon 9 rocket which can be inserted into Kennedy’s rectal area. With advanced AI technology, Kennedy will be able to zip up and down the Atlantic coast, searching for rancid whale carcasses which can be used to feed the homeless. 

“I think on top of that, Rosie O’Donnell could be an excellent source of fat tissue,” said the President-elect himself.

Some are still skeptical; is it possible for a rectal sized rocket to carry an entire whale? Ancient astronaut theorists suggest, yes.

The Marine-eco-sourced-blubber can also be used to replace vaccines. Leaked audio from the newly established MAHA HQ confirms, “ “If doctors and psychiatrists began injecting putrid whale juices into the bodies of their patients, Kennedy’s autism concerns would become the least of his worries.” 

This is some truly groundbreaking science.

Musk himself is conducting experiments on a specimen called X Æ A-Xii… wait a minute, isn’t that his son?

“Drill Baby, Drill!”

In response to President Joe Biden’s cancellation of the Keystone XL pipeline in 2021, Trump is creating a national day of mourning for the day Biden killed the Xtra large pipe. 

“It was huge, the best and biggest pipe you would have ever seen,” Trump said. “But Sleepy Joe killed it, just like he beat medicare to death!”

Trump said that he will not attempt to create a new pipeline in America, but he still has concepts of a plan on how to obtain more oil.

“Let’s remind some dump of a country why healthcare isn’t free. Of course the Democrats want to do it cleanly in electric tanks, but I say we just blast villages of the people I blocked from immigrating here, they’ll stop complaining about emissions then,” he said.

But inside information shows that there’s a lot more than just crude oil that Trump needs to improve. Left wing sources won’t tell you this, but baby oil sales have mysteriously plummeted since Sept. 18th.

“I mean, obviously there’s no shortage of babies around,” said one Duncan Blatansberger. “My friend Sean has a baby, I think? He used to need a lot of it.” Blatansberger continued, “We were partying hard one night. His baby oil is really high quality, um, at least that’s what the labels suggest. I know that he’s been unable to buy more for quite a while, probably because of the baby oil shortage.” 

Blatansberger scurried off, appearing emotionally driven with his friend’s inability to provide for his baby. It’s clear that empathy and understanding between Americans is at its highest point ever in recent history.

Moving the Capital to Mar-A-Lago

One of the more surprising moves would be to ditch the historical White House for what Trump believes to be a more secure location in Florida. Though some members of the left may seem confused, I’ve been able to get a hold of one of the classified documents that were found there, risking my life for truth!

Trump’s explanation for the move was simple, on top of being able to intimidate Ron Desantis, moving to Florida is rooted in a deeper cause: Florida’s state fruit is the orange. Trump needs to connect with his own species to continue to be America’s epic president. 

 As the first citrus to be elected into any political office, Washington can be an extremely stressful place for those who are actually minorities. Florida is one of the more liberal states when it comes to protecting the rights of fruit, and provides a safe space for anyone from the simple watermelon, to our very own president.

Creating an Overdramatic Persona. 

It’s no secret that our friend Donald loves the spotlight. His reputation as the main force of the Republican Party is no joke, but now that “Lyin’ Kamala” has been vanquished, Trump can put all of his efforts into being the Anti-hero of America.

Woke left-wing media may be attempting to paint Trump as a supervillain, but some of these pictures make him look like the sort of hero who reluctantly says, “I didn’t want it to end like this, but I have no other choice,” before plowing through protesters for a photo-op.

In office, Trump would plan to use these photos to his advantage, not only supercharging his cult of personality, but also putting them on giant billboards facing Capitol Hill. With epic posters of his grumpy scowl, and the addition of the infamous assassination attempt photo, Trump will appear as a mastermind edge-lord whose unconventional methods will return America to its former glory. 

“When I was in office we had the best speeches, you could see my hands practicing the accordion,” Trump commented. “We had some of the greatest photos ever, they were beautiful, truly the best, no ones ever done better, really.”

“But when Biden came in, no one wanted a photo of him staring into empty space, so employment for photographers fell bigly.” 

His plans for improving employment rates for photographers? 

“Joe Biden, you’re fired! We need to put tariffs on these foreign photographers taking our American jobs… I know for sure they eat dogs and probably cats, too, by the way.”

In addition to the dissemination of these dramatic images, Trump will also continue to make outrageous statements that will twist and confuse the minds of mass media. From Marxist radicals in our schools to post-birth abortions, he will continue to fight against corporate news and what some describe as “the truth.”

However, in a recent move that may stifle his resurgence to power and was perhaps intended to bring him closer to the derangement of his idol, the late, great Hannibal Lecter, Trump’s claims of a rigged election have not ceased, and he now has refused to accept electoral victory. 

“Take a look at the polls just a few months ago,” Trump told me, pointing at a graph. “Right next to my favorite chart that saved my life, you see I was trailing bigly, I should have lost, but all of a sudden they try to say that I won? It’s clearly rigged.”

Unsure of what to do, President Biden has been asked to work on getting the NIH to use CRISPR technology to create a cross between a coconut and an orange for our next president.

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Images courtesy: The New York Times

Disclaimer: This article was, in fact, a satire piece.